The post I planned to do today was a weekly update on the Halo Beauty Kiwi Seed Skin Booster, but I slacked on taking the supplement over the weekend since I was at Ipsy Gen Beauty NYC. I wanted to share my feelings on my life lately. I need to get my feelings out and hopefully find that others can relate to how I have been feeling.
I feel lost. I have no idea what I want anymore. I’m not sure if it is the change of seasons, but something has really got me in a funk. I feel almost as if I am in a rut. I don’t like my job. I hate school. I can’t change either of those. I don’t want to find a new job and start out as a new person and make less of an hourly wage than I do currently. School is very challenging and I continually lose interest. I just want to be done. The past few weeks, maybe even months, have felt like Sunday scaries, but EVERY DAY. I am anxious about everything.
There are things I want to do, but my anxiety really gets in the way.
I want go to the gym, but I have so much anxiety surrounding that. I’m scared of running into the guy I used to be with. I feel like I have so many unresolved feelings for him and an awkward gym encounter is like the last thing I want. I’m also out of shape and paranoid. The gym is scary. I feel like everyone is judging me.
I want to eat better. I tend to either over eat, or not eat at all. I have pretty much always been like this since the beginning of high school. I either want to and I’m hungry all the time. Or I’m just not hungry and I don’t really eat. I feel like I don’t take very good care of myself sometimes.
I want to start working a more grown up job. I want to start substitute teaching, but nothing in my life lines up with doing that. I watch my cousins most afternoons and if I was subbing I wouldn’t have enough time to be there to pick them up. I find it frustrating. I don’t want to not watch them anymore, I wish it could just all work out.
I want to be happy. I know happiness isn’t a destination and everybody on Earth wants to be happy. I just find it really hard. I keep thinking to myself, when was the last time I was truly happy? Was it before me and my boyfriend broke up? No, I wasn’t happy for at least 6 month prior to us splitting. Was it when I was with my other guy? He made me happy, but deep down I was still sad and didn’t feel right. Was I happy when my boyfriend and I got back together? I was happy for a little while, but not everything feels weird. I’m starting to think that I just like to suffer.
My current fantasy of my best life is me alone. I dream of living in my own little house, in the middle of nowhere, with my cat and my dog. All I want is my own space. I want to get married and have a ton of babies and spend free time baking and doing hobbies surrounded by loved ones, but right now, I don’t really see that in my future. I see myself alone.
I don’t know how long I will feel like this. I don’t know what I need to do to make things better. I know it starts with me. I know I am in charge of my happiness but I’m not sure how to get there.
If you’ve taken the time to read my ranting thoughts, please also take the time to share with me. Tell me if you’ve felt like this. Tell me if you’ve never felt like this. Tell me about your day. It would mean a lot if someone would reach out.